Update: I noticed that people are arriving at this post from search engines, possibly looking for guidance. I am not yet qualified to give such guidance. I’m not sure anyone ever is. The one thing I can do is share my own experience after the fact.
After I picked a direction, I started to worry less. I thought I would worry even more after picking a direction forward, about having picked the wrong one, but I don’t. There are still ups and downs, of course. But I don’t feel stuck anymore. I feel like I’m going somewhere, maybe not as fast as I could wish, or towards exactly where I had previously hoped, but I’m inching forward. And that feeling is important. I don’t think I could feel content without it.
I think that it’s easier to be terrified of making a wrong decision before you make one, than to get caught up worrying after you’ve made one. Even if that wasn’t true, what’s great is, there are actual, tangible things that you can do to after you’ve picked a direction. This often means you end up with less time to just worry, and doing actual things just has a way of making you feel better.
It’s easy to think that more thinking and consideration is a good thing. But that’s not necessarily the case. Sometimes the more you look into each option the more confused you get. Upsides turn into downsides, and downsides turn out to be upsides… maybe?
If you have no ideas about what you want to do at all, you could perhaps go through a list of possible professions based on your interests and start with the ones where it’s easiest to get a foot in the door.
My original post remains as I first posted it below:
A few seconds ago I was barely suppressing a violent outburst of rage. I struggled to not smash any of the objects around me, like I used to do in the past, and managed to settle for muffled screaming while clenching my fists. I’m not driving, there was no douche insulting my non-existent girlfriend, there was no traditional instigator at all.. except myself.
I wanted to write this post about how my own indecision is frustrating to me.. but it’s not even frustration anymore… it’s rage and self-hatred, eating away at me from the inside. This last year, more than the rest of my life, has been an exercise in indecision. I was supposed to decide on a direction to take in life. But every time I think I’ve made my choice, something happens that changes my mind. Whether it’s lack of faith in my ability to successfully go down that path, or lack of faith that I will enjoy that path, I always find a reason to change my mind.
I still have no idea what to fucking do, all the choices are laughing at me, as I get more and more confused, before I turn to entertainment to distract me from the impending cycle of minimum wages and misery.
What. The. Fuck. Am. I. Supposed To Do With My Life?
That’s the question. It’s always there. In the back of my head, waiting for a spare moment to ruin my mood. The ironic thing is, the more I ask myself, the more lost I get. The more opportunities I explore, the less confident I become in choosing one over the other.
I think when I started this blog that I hoped it would become some sort of surrogate I could feel purpose from.. but with the limited readership and activity, but most of all my lack of progress, I have to admit that I got discouraged. I know it’s not a numbers game like that, that if I managed to change someone’s life a tiny bit, or make them think, then it was worthwhile.. but sometimes it’s hard to convince yourself to see things logically.
At times I resent my parents for not forcing a surrogate life purpose upon me so I’d at least have some form of direction going for me. Or my luck in being born with more or less “endless” opportunities. But then I realize I’m being an idiot and I resent myself instead, talk about a waste of time.
And then when I ask for guidance, I get told things like.. “follow your gut”, “do what you want to do”, “do something you’re good at”, or even “follow the money”. And sometimes 50 year olds telling me “I don’t even know what I want to be yet.” Awesome. Earlier today my friend said I should just move to Thailand and teach English, and that’s rather tempting to be honest. Especially with the first snow of the season arriving already. I might like skiing, but snow is just a pain in the ass in a city, (not that Bergen is much of a city, but you get the idea.)
But then I remember the alternatives, and how they could possibly lead to a successful career and blablabla. Or I think, what if I don’t like Thailand, and end up wasting time and money just to be more miserable than I am right now wasting my time trying to plan something that is rather impossible to plan.
Is A Bad Choice Better Than Indecision?
That’s really the question isn’t it? I wrote this post only to ask you this.. people more experienced at life than I am, please share your opinion.
From what I’m going through right now, I’m theorizing that it is. I guess it depends on HOW bad of a choice it is. Let’s expect realistic consequences, like getting into a career only to realize I’m terrible at it/I hate it. Or that I could have made more money and been financially free faster doing something else. Let’s leave the going bankrupt, and coincidentally getting killed because of career choice out of this.
I have an overwhelming need to feel that my life is going somewhere, and I don’t think years of therapy to get over that is the best move at this point in my life. I’ve tried the tricks, tried to brainwash myself into thinking that my life is going somewhere at it’s own pace, or that nobody’s lives are ever going in any particular direction.. or whatever but I don’t think it’s working too well. Maybe it’s the fact that I more or less wasted a year trying to figure it out that makes it so compelling to me these days… but I’m not sure if the why even matters anymore.
I don’t really see a choice.. other than making a choice, haha. Ideally I want to make a decision by the end of this month, or at least this year. Whether or not I’m going out of the country again, if so where that is, what I’m going to be doing.. what my long term goal is, things like that.
Please leave a comment with your thoughts so I can make an informed decision on whether or not to make a decision.
Photo by: Creative Ignition